I don't think I can handle another goodbye.

A Time For Change

I know that this may not make sense to some of you but I have made a decision to say goodbye to Butterscotch. Not the person behind the pseudonym-just the alias itself. And with that goodbye will come the end of this blog.

I of course will not be able to keep myself from writing so will no doubt pop up somewhere else along the way sporting a new hidden identity but it is time to lay this one to rest.

I will continue to comment on your blogs, and if you want to maintain contact via email I would be happy to hear from you.

Nothing is wrong; I just need to let go of some things that I have been foolishly holding onto- hoping for, believing in. I need to accept that some dreams just don't come true.

I also need to look forward to the mysteries that still lie ahead, and all the dreams that will come true.

So off I am to do just that.

Please try to understand that there is much more behind this than these few words convey. This isn't something I am doing to be selfish, or unkind, or hurtful. This is just me moving on.

Goodbye Butterscotch.

The Girl behind the name.

Lap Dance Anyone?

Ah the joys of a stagette.

I am exhausted, and on the verge of collapse but could not hit my bed till I gave you at least a taste of my Saturday night.

It began innocently enough with twenty girls, food, laughs, and various beverages. One particular beverage became a part of a game that saw many of us face shooters- the prebride facing the most of course.

At about the time this same girl began to laugh at things that were not the least bit funny we thankfully had to head to the second part of the night. I was a little afraid that if our game progressed any further we would be carrying her around with a bucket tucked under her chin. As it was- the timing was perfect, and the exercise kept her feeling in the 'just fine' realm.

The 'exercise' being our two hours of pole and lap dancing lessons. Yes, you heard that right. Visualize away.

While you may now, if you are a straight male at least, be happy with the picture in your head, I have to admit that the literal picture was a little unsettling for me. Don't get me wrong- I am a huge fan of the pole, and have to admit, have a bit of a knack for it... but where the lap dance was concerned, it was just a little disconcerting to find myself spreading the legs of my female partner so that I could move in close enough to tease her with my breasts. Not to mention looking up at her from between my legs with my bum jiggling away in front of her face.

All I can say is thank God for red wine and a great sense of humor.

While I was the one suffering my partner's body parts gyrating in front of me I couldn't help but wonder what men see in the sport of lap dancing. Now the experience with the pole was beautiful, strong, and sexy, but the lap thing, not so much. Or maybe it was the fact that I was imagining a man of my choice jiggling his boobies in front of my face.

Then again... if I were to put the man in the chair, with his being under the rule of 'no touching' then I could certainly enjoy the power behind it.

Someday I am going to make my husband a very happy man.

Twenty gleaming, somewhat giddy women, left their dancing and ventured to the next place where more food and alcohol was consumed amidst much laughter, music, and chatter. The night wound to a close when the reason for the party hit the drinking wall. Fortunately vomit remained hidden, but we all knew the warning signs, and sent her on her merry way- to apparently watch Lord of the Rings with her visiting sister.

We missed the full moon by one night; and therefore any unusual drama.

Stay tuned however for the rehearsal and the wedding itself.

It won't be long now.

And So It Begins...

I wasn't planning on posting again till I finished watching all of the episodes of Battlestar Galactica, but at this rate, I realized you may all give me up for dead if I wait that long.

The New Year is upon us, and I am pretty sure I am under one of the heavier parts of its body. The left butt cheek perhaps.

I had to literally talk myself out of a pity party earlier today. The odd thing is, I can't even be sure why... well, that isn't completely true... I know most of the reason why, but I will get to that. First I best give myself a pep talk so not to find myself drowning in Ego Lake.

So much good is happening around me. I have a new job, that even in it's overwhelming/terrifying newness- is a great thing, I have a close friend marrying a wonderful man, I have two other friends who are new amazing Moms- one who had twins even, my parents are about to celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary, and I've the best family and friends anyone could ask for. I've gotten a bit pudgy (lovely word that) but overall I am in good health, and I love the rain- which is on this list simply because it hasn't stopped raining since Christmas.

Anyway, to the down part- I can't for the life of me figure out why I can have so many wonderful people in my life and so many good things going on and STILL have these days where I feel so incredibly lonely. Gah!

I'm moved past the "boo hoo, poor me" level, and am now currently in the "stop being such a whiny ass" stage, but I would like to be able to avoid the crybaby thing altogether. Sigh.

What? Yes, perhaps this is all coming from my missing Kissboy- since things really have ended this time- but whatever the reason, I want it to go away. Enough bad stuff happens without my feeling bad about stuff that really isn't anything at all. I should be embracing life; loving every moment I am given. I should get off my ass and go dance in the rain.

Welcome 2006?

You guys can keep me on track...

My New Year's Resolutions:

10: To start my New Year on January 3rd.

9: To stop complaining out loud. Silent thoughts and blogging do not count.

8: To pay off one half of my line of credit. This of course depends on my actually having work for the entire year.

7: To have work for the entire year.

6: To eat and act in ways that leave me feeling healthy. I will not be so bold as to talk about actual weight loss as I would no doubt fail and I do not want this list to set me up for failure.

5: To meet at least five new people that I enjoy spending time with.

4: To accept that I may be single for yet another year; accept and be okay with it.

3: To stay away from Kissboy on a literal level. Email and phone are okay, though conversations must be limited to safe topics.

2: To make decisions that I will be proud of.

1. To be me at all times, in all places, and with all people.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Merry Christmas Everyone!
Originally uploaded by _butterscotch_.

Can't Sleep

My head is reeling from the current chaos that is my life. I am hoping that writing about it will stop the motion, at least long enough to let me get some sleep before late morning hits.

Where to start, where to start...

Well, I made it to the George Canyon/ Dave Gunning Christmas tour last night and I can not put into words how much it touched me. It wasn't the typical concert, but it was very much Dave and Forge. They brought home to me, which made all the difference this Christmas season.

I was able to spend some time with them when they finished meeting with fans and Dave informed me that he will be opening for Jason (JD Fortune) in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I was floored. Dave is amazing but it blows my mind to think of him being connected to so many genres of music, when he is mostly Folk. I also hadn't been aware that he wrote a new Christmas tune that is getting lots of radio air time.

I discovered today that I have to get tested for TB as part of my prep for this upcoming teaching job. I don't do so well with needles so that experience should make for a good blog at least.

In a previous blog I mentioned that I would not be seeing Kissboy again, not in a situation where we are alone at least, and I finally filled him in on that decision last night. I took the email route, not cause I was afraid to talk to him, but just cause I'm better at putting my thoughts down on paper. He has yet to respond, but I wouldn't blame him if he isn't taking me seriously... after all, I tried to say goodbye before. The only thing that makes me believe I will be sticking to my guns this time is how sad I feel when I think of him.

Speaking of sad, I am also at a crossroads with December Sand. Somehow I saw things turning out differently for us... Life never does go quite the way you think it will.

Even my battered emotions can't outweigh the joy of the season though. There is just something about Christmas, even the lonely ones, that makes my heart glad.

New Year's however... well, we won't go there. It will take care of itself anyway. It always does.

I must try to sleep. The mall awaits.

B.